I was supposed to be at work. But there I was on the couch: sick, unshaven, in hoodie and pajama pants, and lying under the quilt my wife EA had made for me. A book was in my hands. Music was playing softly on the TV. The sun was coming through the slats of the blinds. The light on the wall was kneeling, kneeling, kneeling until it disappeared.
And it was peace. Even when the dog vigilantly barked at people walking by our house, it was peace. This is not how the day was supposed to go, but I obviously needed it.
I don't rest well. It's a bad habit to have but it was one with which I could get away for the longest time. When you are younger, there are always weekends and holidays to help you catch. Sleeping in was usually no further than a handful of days away so what did it matter if I only got four hours of sleep that night?
Those days are long gone. Even as I try to a better job of going to bed at night, rest eludes me. Two boys who rarely sleep past 6, a job, and writing keep stiff-arming any attempts I make to slow down. I probably don't help matters by constantly checking my phone for messages, emails, or to make sure that my SimCity is running smoothly. If I'm awake, my mind and body are spinning like a stressed out hamster on a wheel. That is until the hamster falls off. It's literally not healthy.
I found myself running a fever yesterday and was told that I should probably take off work today. I wasn't too keen on this idea. I have to miss half a day later in the week for a meeting and have also been holed up in our house for four days because of winter weather. But I begrudgingly agreed; realizing that I did need the rest.
I promised EA that I would rest today. And quietly I promised myself that I my time resting would be quality time. I was initially tempted to spend the entire day bingeing on Netflix. I'd watch Parks & Rec reruns or finally get around to watching something like The West Wing or Friday Night Lights. I would let my brain go on autopilot. And that can be good, sometimes even needed, but I needed something different.
Not completely willing to sit in silence, I listened to music. There is room in music to contemplate, but you are not compelled. The melody can be background noise or it can be a vessel to help you travel to places within your memory, which is found myself bordering on tears when "Fix You" came across my ears and smiling when "Home" started playing.
And I read. I finished Wearing God. I read scripture and scribbled down a few thoughts. I started Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. My mind was engaged; not on autopilot, but not in a taxing way either. It felt restorative. Sort of how people talk about baths. I don't like baths, but the people that like talk like they're the best things in the world. Reading is to my mind and spirit what baths are to those people. I apologize for how that came off as a SAT analogy. But to read and not feel pressure was a gift.
All of this allowed me space. It allowed me to recognize and watch the sunlight move across the living room wall. When the Common Prayer app on my phone buzzed with a reminder that it was time for morning prayer, I was able to take time to pray rather than just heaving up a quick "GodwatchoverEAJimandLiamandhelpmetohonorYouasIgothroughthisdayAmen." I prayed through the St. Francis Prayer and remembered those around the world as I looked at the map of the world EA stitched into the quilt under which I laid.
And it was peace.
It was Sabbath, a day of rest, and I needed that. We all need that. The trick moving forward is to find those times of rest in my life and not just taking them when I'm forced to. We're not made to keep going and going and going until our body shuts down. I feel like that is an American compulsion. So I am going to try to make space and time for Sabbath more often. I don't know where and when I will find it. I would be curious how others with kids and busy schedules take time to really and truly rest. Because this day reminded me that my soul needs that.