Note to Self for the Next Time You Feel Low and Get "Anti-Hero" Stuck in Your Head

My head was not in a good place this morning. It’s been a long couple of weeks with plenty of fires to put out. I am still a few weeks from beginning a chaplain residency and so I am by myself for large swaths of the day. Plus the start of the school year brings up a lot of emotions concerning what I used to do for a job. So I knew that I needed to go for a walk this morning.

You know what else doesn’t help? Taylor Swift. Not her specifically, but her song “Anti-Hero.” When you are feeling down and lonely, the last thing that you need stuck in your head is a catchy chorus that repeats, “It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me.” It’s not great for someone who is very quick to get down on himself. Really, I need Taylor Swift to write a world-conquering pop song where the chorus goes, “This is just a season and I’m trying the best that I can.” That would be helpful.

For about half a mile, this walk is not helping at all. I’ve got this three second loop of a song stuck in my head and I’m marinating in this stew of self-loathing. Somewhere around Bicentennial Park, I said, “God, I could really use some friggin’ help right now” (and, yes, I did say “friggin’” because I am the human embodiment of a movie edited for TBS).

And I am not going to sit here and claim that God works this way or that. But I remember the thought arising, “Remember the people who love you.” So that’s what I tried. Yet I didn’t just think of people. I needed something more tangible than that. I remembered EA’s smile. I thought about the sound of my mom’s voice saying, “Hey Christopher!” when I call her on the phone or the look on my dad’s face when we arrive home for a visit. I remember Liam wanting to snuggle with me after a long day of school and Jim animatedly telling me about the most recent bit of superhero news he came across. I remembered feeling at home when I talk to my brother or sister.

I said all the Bible verses that would help and intermittently continued to ask God for aid. I looked at puddles and remembered my baptism. I felt the breeze and remembered the Spirit that moves through me and each of us. The song stuck in my head persisted, but it at least kept getting interrupted by these other thoughts. I could almost hear the static as I was losing the signal. “It’s m-……………I’m the pr-…….” After three miles, I was able to breathe more deeply and feel more grounded.

I’m writing this mainly as a reminder to myself because that won’t be the last time that I get in that negative headspace. But I also write this hoping that, maybe, if you find yourself in that kind of headspace too that this anecdote might help a little. Remember that you’re loved by God and others. And if you need help, ask for some friggin’ help whether it be through prayer, calling on a friend, or whatever you can do. You’re not alone.