Ash Wednesday

Note: The following is a drama scene that I wrote for last summer. This was the final scene on night three of four and so there is a fair amount of missing context.

To keep it short, Mike mysteriously left a mission project to hike the Wilderness Trail (an analog to the Appalachian Trail) with his college roommate. They eventually encounter Frank, a mysterious stranger who left a successful job to live in the wilderness in hopes of finding God. Later, they run into Mike's crush from college who is vacationing with her family and another. One afternoon, two girls from the group go missing and everyone else splits up in attempt to find them before a vicious summer storm tears through the area. Frank and Mike find themselves too far away from the rest and thus must stop at an abandoned campground for the night.

The scene is nothing to write home about. There are places when it's too on the nose; where I tell rather than show. But it is entitled "Ash Wednesday" and at its heart, it is a scene about my struggle with grace. With Lent being tomorrow, I have been thinking about that scene a good deal and decided to share it here.

FRANK: This must be that campsite Jason was talking about.

(he drops his backpack on the ground)

MIKE: It hasn't started raining yet, we should keep searching until the storm actually starts.

FRANK: We should probably stop for just a min...

(Mike will have none of it and is already leaving before Frank can finish)

FRANK: Hey Mike! Stop!

(Mike freezes)

MIKE: What?! Why do you want to stop?

FRANK: Two reasons. One: It's getting dark so I figured we should use these flashlights. And two: It's been hours since we've eaten anything. I think it would be a good idea to stop a moment for a bite.

MIKE: (impatiently walking off) We can eat as we go!

FRANK: Dude, I don't know you that well but I do know that you can't keep going like this.

MIKE: Sam and Ashley are missing!

FRANK: I know.

MIKE: And a massive storm is coming!

FRANK: I know that too.

MIKE: We've got to find them!

FRANK: And we'll try. But you're going to do them precious little good if you pass out from not eating and get stuck on the side of a mountain in a driving downpour.

(Mike hesitates but still isn't convinced)

FRANK: Come on. Five minutes and then we'll keep moving until it rains. I promise.

(Mike slowly walks back over and the two of them sit down on a couple of rocks. Frank hands Mike something to eat.)

MIKE: Thanks.

FRANK: No problem.

(The two of them sit in awkward silence)

FRANK: Mind if I ask you a question?

MIKE: I guess not.

FRANK: I know that we all want to find Sam and Ashley, but it seems like this is something personal to you. Why?

MIKE: What do you mean?

FRANK: Two days ago, you didn't know who they were. Yet you seem almost desperate to save them. This isn't about impressing the redhead you dated a few times, is it?

MIKE: No. I mean it would be nice to impress her, but that's not what this is about.

FRANK: So what is it about?

(Mike exhales. He doesn't want to talk about this.)

FRANK: Sorry. I'm getting too personal. It's okay. We don't have to talk about it if you don't want to.

MIKE: No, if we're going to be running together through the wilderness in the pitch black dark, we should probably get to know each other. (he pauses; the words come out slowly) I am hoping that if I found Sam and Ashley that maybe it would make up for some stuff that I've done.

FRANK: Oh. . . Bad stuff?

MIKE: Pretty bad. I ran away from where I am supposed to be.

FRANK: (putting the pieces together in his head) You've done bad stuff and you've run away from somewhere. Was this more like something you were supposed to do or something like a prison?

MIKE: Something I was supposed to do. Why would you think I ran away from a prison?

FRANK: You said bad. I didn't know if that was regular bad or psychopathic ax murderer bad or...

MIKE: I thought the Wilderness Trail Slasher was just an urban legend!

FRANK: So did I, but then you started this story where you're a bad guy on the run...

MIKE: I'm not an ax murderer.

FRANK: Well, that's a relief.

MIKE: I was supposed to serve a missionary this summer and I bailed on it.

FRANK: How long were you supposed to be there?

MIKE: All summer. I had been excited about this opportunity for months. I was finally going to get to serve God and really make a difference. I didn't even go home when I finished my final exams. I just packed up my dorm and drove straight down to Charleston. I was supposed to stay with this couple, the Allens, who lived in one of the most impoverished neighborhoods in the state. I got down there, met them, and they were really cool people.

FRANK: So what was the problem?

MIKE: They started telling me about the ministry that they were doing. It was some really awesome stuff. They were doing backyard Bible clubs and after-school programs with the kids. They were doing a lot of listening to the community, asking the people there what they thought they needed, and then responding to those needs. This couple just poured themselves into this place. About that time, the doorbell rang and it was some of their friends from the neighborhood. Three big guys walked in. One was an ex-con, another was an alcoholic who had been sober for two weeks, and the third was their mentally ill brother. They were nice, but I felt like I was getting in over my head. And I panicked.

FRANK: What did you do?

MIKE: Nothing right then. I was polite and nodded as these three men talked about how much the Allens were loved in their community. And the whole time, I was trying to figure out how to escape. I didn't know what to do. I had spoken at the last Bible study of the year about how important it is for us to love the least of these. But that was in the abstract. When I came face to face with these men, I couldn't muster up that love. That evening as we were preparing for a potluck supper at the community center, one of them asked if I could run to the store to get some ice. So I got in my car and drove away.

FRANK: You just left without saying anything to them? What if they thought something horrible had happened to you?

MIKE: I left a note on their door making up some sort of excuse about being homesick and that I was sorry I was leaving. Thinking about it makes me feel like crap. Driving back upstate, I knew that I couldn't go home because my parents and friends and people at my church would ask questions.

FRANK: (everything makes sense now) And that's why you're hiking all of the Wilderness Trail.

MIKE: You came up here to find God. I came up here to run away from God.

FRANK: That's a pretty hard thing to pull off: running away from God.

MIKE: You're telling me. I came up here trying to avoid thinking about my faith and the first guy I run into is a dude who ditched everything to follow Jesus. And then after that I run into probably the most spiritual girl at my school, her minister dad, and their devotion-having family.

FRANK: So you think that if you rescue Sam and Ashley that it will somehow make up for what you've done?

MIKE: That's what I'm hoping. I don't know why God would want to have anything to do with me. After I talked such a big game about serving Him this summer, I didn't even last half a day. I've got to find my way back into God's good graces.

FRANK: That's not how it works.

MIKE: How what works?

FRANK: Grace. There's no earning it. God doesn't have some holy Microsoft Excel program in the sky that keeps up with what you've done wrong and right.

MIKE: Really? Holy Microsoft Excel program?

FRANK: Sorry. I spent a lot of time with spreadsheets in my old job.

MIKE: I feel like such an enormous screw up. I don't know how God could forgive me.

FRANK: You should try asking.

MIKE: I feel like that's too easy.

FRANK: Don't get me wrong, you still have consequences that you'll have to deal with concerning this situation. And you should try to re-build bridges with the people you've hurt. But this is not something that God is going to hold against you for all eternity. Besides, you couldn't exactly earn your way back anyway.

MIKE: Listen I know what you're saying is true. I became a Christian when I was eight. I know that we're saved by grace and not by what we do or don't do. But deep down in my soul, I don't know if I believe that's true. I feel like God could not possibly love me.

FRANK: (there is a long pause as Frank tries to figure out how to respond; he notices a burned out campfire) Have you heard of Ash Wednesday?

MIKE: The thing where Catholics walk around with smudges on their heads?

FRANK: Well, yeah, it's a little more complicated than that. It's not just Catholics that do it either.

MIKE: I didn't know that, but what does that have to do with...

FRANK: This past March, I was feeling really low. I came out here to follow Jesus and felt like I wasn't really doing anything but wandering around. I felt lost. I was wondering if I had made a big mistake. I hitched a ride to a town about a hour from the Trail. I was almost ready to ditch this whole God thing.

MIKE: (surprised but relieved) So you doubted what God wanted you to do? I thought you were some sort of super-Christian since you came out here.

FRANK: No one is a super-Christian. Be careful of anyone that pretends to be one. Where was I?

MIKE: Wandering around.

FRANK: Oh yeah. I went for a walk through downtown and stumbled into a small church. I ran into one of the ministers there and just dumped everything that I was thinking to the guy.

MIKE: What did he do?

FRANK: He mainly just listened. Then he told me that I should stick around for their Ash Wednesday service that night. I told him I wasn't Catholic and he told me that they weren't either. Then he told me about the ritual. It's to remind us that we are sinful and mortal. They draw a cross on the person's forehead to encourage us to return to the only one that can save us from sin and death.

MIKE: I didn't know that.

FRANK: During the service--as they are talking about what Jesus did for us--it is taking everything I have to not just start sobbing. I felt like I was letting God down. I almost snuck out the back of the sanctuary. Then came the moment where they put ashes on our forehead. I walked down and that minister made the cross on my forehead. He looked me in the eye and said, "Remember that you are dust and to dust you will return. But also remember that you are loved. Repent and believe the gospel."

Mike, I know you feel like you've messed up so badly that God will not forgive you. That's not true. God's grace is far bigger than how royally messed up we are. And the only way we can move forward is if we remember what Jesus did for us: his life, his death on the cross, and his resurrection.

(Frank leans down to the burned out fire and scoops the ash and soot off the ground. He makes a cross on Mike's forehead)

Remember that you are dust and to dust you will return. But, Mike, also remember that you are loved by God more than you realize. Repent and believe the gospel.

BLACKOUT