This is one of those times when I try to write my way out of writer’s block. So what’s going to follow is a bit of putting myself on a therapist’s couch.
I know what I want to say, but I am having trouble finding the words. It is sort of like mapping out a trip and knowing every stop you are going to make; there just is not any sort of transportation to get you there.
I’m in the midst of preparing a sermon, my final, for a preaching class and writing an exegesis paper for my New Testament class. Both delve into things that have been on my heart/mind for quite some time. So these are parts of me that I’m putting out there and putting out there to be graded.
Writing that last sentence actually made me want to retreat even more.
Part of it is a defense mechanism. If you don’t put yourself out there then you can maintain the purity of your thoughts. They can remain forever awesome. The drawback is that they remain forever useless.
A thought that only rattles around in your own mind merely becomes a vanity project. It’s something you hold onto in an effort to make you think how much better the world would be if only someone would ask you the magic question to unlock that door. Holding on is an act of arrogance.
Opening oneself up is a scary thing. It all the more scary in areas of faith where, and I’m sure this will come as an utter shock to you, people hold ludicrously strong opinions. Now I’ve done all of this before so what makes now different? Well, it’s now. And it’s a new place. And, at the age of 28, I’m still a lot more insecure than I would like to be.
So what am I going to do? I guess I am going to press forward as an act of faith. I do believe that God wants us to open ourselves up to others. Heck, that’s what God did/does with us. It’s difficult, but it serves a purpose.
So this sermon and this exegesis are not going to be perfect. But if I put my ego aside and learn from these experiences then that will better help me to serve others and to share on down the road.
I don’t know if that made any sense, but I’m going to shut up now, get my family dinner, watch some football, and get back to work. Sorry that you had to read this. And thanks for reading this.