Mar 30

Mar 30 Ultimate Mascot Madness First Round

For an introduction and recap of the play-in rounds click here.

South Region

#37 Mississippi Valley State Delta Devils over #1 Virginia Cavaliers - Traditionally, Mascot Madness has not had much respect for Cavaliers. Is it the flimsy sword? Maybe. Is it the feather in a jaunty hat? Probably.
#16 George Mason Patriots over #17 Tulane Green Wave - Come on, it’s a green wave.
#9 Miami Hurricanes over #24 Louisiana-Lafayette Ragin’ Cajuns - Another theme that has held over the years is mascots that are massive natural disasters are almost impossible to defeat.
#25 Stetson Hatters over #8 Alabama Crimson Tide - What is a Hatter? What is a Crimson Tide? The Hatter is the mascot of Stetson, because, yes, they have a connection to the Stetson hats. So it’s a person who makes hats? A person who wears hats? Either way, it’s a person and they can withstand a tide.
#4 Arkansas Razorbacks over #29 Louisiana-Monroe Warhawks - Admittedly, this one is a toss-up but I’ll give tusked feral hog the advantage. Especially since some people think you need an assault weapon to withstand 30-50 of these guys coming into a yard.
#20 Vanderbilt Commodores over #13 Austin Peay Governors - Possibly the lamest human vs. human showdown imaginable. We’ll give the Commodore the advantage cause he has a sword. By the way, did you know Austin Peay signed the Butler Act which made it illegal to teach evolution in Tennessee public schools and paved the way for the Scopes Monkey Trial?
#12 North Florida Ospreys over #21 Gardner-Webb Runnin’ Bulldogs - Ospreys are also known as sea hawks or river hawks and I just feel like their power of flight plus those talons gives them an advantage of a bulldog. My apologies to my seminary alma mater.
#5 Furman Paladins over #28 Campbell Fighting Camels - Long have I waited to include my beloved Paladins in a Mascot Madness bracket. What is a paladin? It is a knight on a horse. So you’ve got all of the armor and weaponry of a knight plus the power of the horse. Paladins are a tough draw. I must confess thought that it brings me no joy to strike down the Fighting Camels of Campbell because I have great respect for any school that decides to have their mascot not just be a Camel but a Fighting Camel.
#6 Tennessee Volunteers over #27 Jacksonville Dolphins - Easy call, right? Not necessarily. Dolphins are incredibly smart and if the people of Tennessee decide to ignore advisement to shelter in place, I may retroactively go back and change this.
#22 Arkansas State Red Wolves over #11 Chattanooga Mocs - The Mocs of Chattanooga are mockingbirds. That’s probably all you need to know for this matchup.
#19 UAB Blazers over #14 Virginia Tech Hokies - Fun things you learn on Wikipedia: The dragon mascot of the UAB Blazers is a European dragon. What constitutes a European dragon, I do not know.
#3 Florida Gators over #30 Northwestern State Demons - Demons work in the realm of temptation. They cause their opponents to defeat themselves. But an alligator is just a reptile-brained beast. It has no sense of self to exploit. And since none of the images I have found of Northwestern State’s Demon suggest that it has fire power like Mississippi Valley State’s, I’m giving the nod to the Gator.
#26 Florida A&M Rattlers over #7 Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets - I feel like if you can swallow your opponent whole, that gives you an advantage.
#10 North Carolina Tar Heels over #23 Old Dominion Monarchs - I always struggle with how to define a Tar Heel. Are we talking about a literal heel with tar on it? The term dates back to those who worked in the naval industry. So if we’re pitting a member of royalty against someone who builds ships, my money is on the shipbuilder.
#15 Wake Forest Demon Deacons over #18 Coastal Carolina Chanticleers - The Wake Forest Demon Deacon is perhaps the most ridiculous looking possible mascot for something characterized as a Demon Deacon. Still it should be able to defeat the chicken from Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales.
#31 Longwood Lancers over #2 Richmond Spiders - I am not 100% on what a lancer is but I’m pretty sure it can step on a spider.

East Region

#34 Canisius Golden Griffins over #1 Maryland Terrapins - The turtle never stood a chance; especially when on of the first descriptors of it in the dictionary is “edible.”
#17 La Salle Explorers over #16 Penn Quakers - Quakers are pacifists and I have enormous respect for that worldview, but it does not serve one well in a literal fight.
#24 Army Black Knights over #24 Georgetown Hoyas - What is a Hoya? A Latin word that was part of a cheer led by Georgetown students. Now it’s a dog? Neither stands up to a Black Knight.
#25 Navy Midshipmen over #8 Syracuse Orange - Colors do not win mascot battles.
#4 Penn State Nittany Lions over #29 Albany Great Danes - It does not help that Scooby Doo is a great dane and I do not have any confidence in Scooby Doo’s battle prowess.
#13 Delaware Fighting Blue Hens over #20 Saint Peter’s Peacocks - These matchups are why I do what I do. I feel like the plumage of the peacock would be a disadvantage in a fight against a similarly sized bird. I just feel like the hen could maneuver more.
#21 Marshall Thundering Herd over #12 St. Francis (PA) Red Flash - To quote Woody in the first Toy Story: “If anyone attacks us, we can blink them to death.”
#28 Niagara Purple Eagles over #5 Harvard Crimson - See? If your team’s nickname is simply Eagles then you are sitting at home during Ultimate Mascot Madness, but if you slap a color descriptor on the front then you get to go to the Big Dance.
#6 Hofstra Pride over #27 Dartmouth Big Green - Is anyone working on a spec script in which a pride of big cats tries to escape from the clutches of the utterly insane people who keep them in their private zoos? Can I be a part of that?
#22 UMBC Retrievers over #11 St. John’s Red Storm - I have seen numerous dogs wait out a storm. Who’s a good boy?
#14 Stony Brook Seawolves over #19 Lafayette Leopards - I assumed Seawolves was a nickname for Pirates, but, no, Stony Brook’s mascot is a wolf with the sea as a tale. An intriguing mashup. I quickly googled “wolves vs. leopards” and the first result said that while leopards are bigger, wolves have the advantage in endurance and intelligence.
#3 Rutgers Scarlet Knights over #30 Lehigh Mountain Hawks - This one is obvious.
#26 LIU Sharks over #7 St. Bonaventure Bonnies - Bonnie is shorthand for Bonaventure (they use a anthropomorphic wolf as a mascot instead of saint because kids think wolves are cool, but they need to learn about saints who are cooler). I am sure St. Bonaventure was a great dude; a saint in fact. But a shark is a shark.
#10 Siena Saints over #23 Drexel Dragons - What? How? Does this make any sense after I just had a shark take down St. Bonaventure? Let me provide the opening sentence of the Wikipedia entry on “Saint George and the Dragon”: “The legend of Saint George and the Dragon tells of Saint George (died 303) taming and slaying a dragon that demanded human sacrifices; the saint thereby rescues the princess chosen as the next offering.” There is a precedent and we must follow it.
#15 UMass Minutemen over #18 Rider Broncs - Minutemen win, but kudos to Rider from dropping the “o” from “Broncos” and getting in this tournament.
#2 Providence Friars over #31 Manhattan Jaspers - It’s a Monk Showdown! The Jaspers are named after Brother Jasper of Mary who served at Manhattan College. Since it’s a tossup, I went with Providence so I don’t have to explain what a Jasper is in the next round. But shout out to Brother Jasper for being such an upstanding guy that a college named their mascot after him.

Midwest Region

#33 Purdue Fort Wayne Mastodons over #1 Kansas Jayhawks - See if Kansas leaned into the origin of the term Jayhawks, which were Civil War-era anti-slavery freedom fighters then this might be a different story. But, nope, it’s a bird and a bird is not going to stop a Mastodon.
#17 Notre Dame Fighting Irish over #16 Purdue Boilermakers - This one was close. Boilermakers are a nod to Purdue’s engineering students. The Irish get a nod because they are Fighting Irish.
#9 Oklahoma Sooners over #24 Toledo Rockets - Here is a difficult one. How does a rocket fight? Does it just plunge straight at the earth? Wouldn’t a person need only to dodge it once for the fight to be over?
#25 Southern Illinois Salukis over #8 Saint Louis Billikens - A Billiken is a mythical imp-like creature who brings good luck. So would it not bring good luck to the dog that tried to fight it?
#29 Oakland Golden Grizzlies over #4 Wisconsin Badgers - A badger can grow to about 2.5 feet and weigh around 35 lbs. A grizzly bear can grow to about 6.5 feet and weighs around 600 lbs.
#13 Western Kentucky Hilltoppers over #20 Minnesota Golden Gophers - A Hilltopper, for all intents and purposes, is a muppet. There is no other way to describe it. Is there a spectrum to how well a muppet will do in a fight? Absolutely. That’s another blog post right there. Big Red doesn’t look like he could do much, but I think he could hold off a gopher.
#12 Indiana Hoosiers over #21 DePaul Blue Demons - A Hoosier is an Indianan. We could go down a theological rabbit hole discussing whether your average Hoosier is susceptible to temptation. But here’s the thing: most temptation comes in disguise. The Blue Demon is poorly disguised and also does not seem to possess the Delta Devil’s fire powers.
#28 Kansas City Roos over #5 Wichita State Shockers - A reminder that Wichita States mascot is based off of shocks of wheat, not electricity.
#27 Youngstown State Penguins over #6 Akron Zips - Don’t let their kangaroo mascot fool you, Akron is the Zips which is short for zippers. Don’t let the word “zippers” fool you. It’s not the kind of zipper on your clothing. They are rubber overshoes that were made in Akron and were popular in the 1920s and 30s. Freshman Margaret Hamlin got $10 for coming up with the name in 1925.
#22 Northern Kentucky Norse over #11 Iowa Hawkeyes - A Hawkeye is an Iowan. No offense to the hearty people of that midwestern state, but I feel like the people group which gave us the Vikings will have a leg up on your average Iowan.
#14 Tulsa Golden Hurricane over #19 Loyola-Chicago Ramblers - The Rambler was in reference to a vagabond.
#3 Creighton Bluejays over #30 Illinois State Redbirds - A battle royal if there ever was one. According to the Audubon Society, blue jays have a bullying nature, mimic hawks to scare other species, are known to be intelligent, and will steal and eat the eggs of other birds. That kind of ruthlessness gives them an edge.
#26 Iowa State Cyclones over #7 Ohio State Buckeyes - Listen, a buckeye is a nut.
#10 Xavier Musketeers over #23 Murray State Racers - The Racers in question are horse racers. Musketeers have swords.
#15 Indiana State Sycamores over #18 Kent State Golden Flashes - Uh…a sycamore is rooted and a flash is fleeting?
#2 Dayton Flyers over #31 Nebraska Cornhuskers - One is a barnstorming pilot and the other is a person who removes a husk from a corncob. A cornhusker might be tough, but they don’t have a plane.

West Region

#33 New Orleans Privateers over #1 Oregon Ducks - It brings me no pleasure to say that Oregon and their Donald Duck mascot are out in the first round, but a sword is a sword.
#17 New Mexico Lobos over #16 Pepperdine Waves - Why are waves and tides such a common mascot? Were there lots of early 1900s athletic directors who had traumatic childhood experiences at the beach?
#24 North Dakota Fighting Hawks over #9 North Texas Mean Green - A mean colors is still a color.
#25 Hawaii Rainbow Warriors over #8 Stanford Cardinal - It’s the color cardinal. I will admit though that Stanford’s tree mascot is creepy.
#4 Arizona State Sun Devils over #29 Portland Pilots - The Portland Pilots pilot a riverboat rather than a plane. A riverboat does not yield a great tactical advantage so we’ll give the edge to the goofy guy with a pitchfork.
#13 Montana Grizzlies over #20 South Dakota Coyotes - Mascot Madness has a profound respect for the ferocity of grizzly bears.
#12 California Golden Bears over #21 Southern Utah Thunderbirds - And golden bears.
#5 Texas Longhorns over #28 Grand Canyon Antelope - The antelope can escape but I don’t think it can win in a fight.
#27 UTRGV Vaqueros over #6 San Francisco Dons - Give me a Spanish cowboy over a Spanish nobleman in a fight.
#22 Cal State Northridge Matadors over #11 Oregon State Beavers - A showdown between the beaver and the sycamore would have been interesting.
#19 UC Santa Barbara Gauchos over #14 UC Irvine Anteaters - If this was a bracket of the mascots that I most appreciate, the UC Irvine would be a lock for the Final Four. I admire the heck out of school that has an anteater for a mascot.
#3 Colorado Buffaloes over #30 Texas A&M-Corpus Christi Islanders - I feel like a buffalo would win against a random person who lives on an island.
#26 San Diego Toreros over #7 Texas Tech Red Raiders - From an internet page about bullfighters: “The official term for a torero is Matador de Toros (“killer of bulls”).” Okay then.
#23 UTEP Miners over #10 Utah Utes - What gives a Miner the edge over a citizen of Utah? Two words: pick axe.
#15 TCU Horned Frogs over #18 South Dakota State Jackrabbits - I googled “Do rabbits eat frogs?” They do not. And horned frogs are spiky.
#2 San Diego State Aztecs over #31 Idaho State Bengals - A bengal tiger is a fierce opponent to be sure. However, Aztecs were considered fierce warriors. So I’ll give the warrior with weaponry the slight advantage of the striped tiger.