When I was in first or second grade, one of my best friends was a curly headed boy named Saxon. I don't remember how we became friends and we moved away the next year, so I can't exactly ask him. But I can tell you that the bond was fortified by a deep love for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. As any elementary schooler will tell you, those are the type of the things on which friendships are forged.
There was another kid in our class named Matt. We didn't like Matt. I'm not sure how that started: if he did something to us or us to him. But I do remember that the rivalry reached a point where Saxon and I started teasing Matt about his size. It was stupid, but still hurtful playground insults like "Fatty Matty, 2x4, can't even get through the bathroom door." The thing is I don't think Matt was actually fat. He was bigger than us, but he was more built like a eight year old football player. Now that I think about it: if Matt had been a different kind of kid, he probably would have beaten the crap out of us.
One afternoon, I was playing over at Saxon's house. It may have been the only time that I was over there. We were playing Ninja Turtles when Saxon's mom came in the room. She had just been on the phone with Matt's mom. There was hurt and disappointment in her eyes. Was it true we'd been making fun of Matt?
We stared at the floor. Searching for an answer or a time machine, whichever we could find first. She asked us again. Sheepishly, we admitted it was true. Saxon's mom lectured us for a while after that. I don't remember anything else that she said except this:
"Why would you do this? Both of you come from good Christian homes."
The message I heard was clear: Christians are not supposed to hurt people. I have not always followed that truth, but when I don't I often remember that afternoon at my friend's house. You can disagree. You can dislike. But you cannot and do not hurt.
I have been thinking about that conversation a lot the last few days. As adults, we don't necessarily do schoolyard taunts about how people look (though God knows some people do). Yet we do sling arrows at people when they believe something differently from us and we shoot to kill.
Look at the Mark Driscoll tirade that came to light recently or the reaction of some people when they discovered Michael Gungor didn't believe in a literal six-day creation or what virtually any controversy-seeking Rush Limbaugh clone blog about depression or women's equality or homosexuality or whatever.
In the introduction to her excellent book Speak, Nish Weiseth writes: "Thoughtful, intelligent, Jesus-following Christians are declared unbliblical and un-Christlike when they choose to be brave and write about a tough subject. They are accused of mocking Scripture and not holding it in high enough regard. They're called heretics. I've seen them picked apart, chewed up, and spit out by other Christians, all in the name of Jesus. It's heartbreaking." (22)
I look at the way people that claim to follow Jesus treat each other online and hear Saxon's mom: "Why would you do this? You say that you're a Christian."
Again, you can disagree. I am not one of those people that believe one should never say anything critical about other Christians. That is--as M*A*S*H's Colonel Potter would put it--horse hockey. When we see things that concern us or that strike us as being less than what God wants from the church, we should speak firmly but also with loving humility.
I have undoubtedly written this blog before, but we need to disagree well. We need to disagree constructively. Just because one thinks he or she is right--regardless of whether the individual is actually right--does not give a person license to demean, dehumanize, or generally be a jerk to others. That is not what we as Christians do. I'm fairly certain Jesus didn't say, "By this all will know you are my disciples, by how you utterly disassemble a person's soul in an argument."
I write this because it has been going on a lot recently, but also as kind of a mission statement as this site is early in its going. I am undoubtedly going to write about things with which you are going to disagree. That's not a possibility, it's a promise. Or it might be something someone says in a comment. This will happen. I do not want to hurt anyone with what I write and I don't want anyone to hurt anyone else here. We'll undoubtedly mess up, but let's try our hardest to do no harm.
So let's do this. If you disagree and feel compelled to respond, go for it. But follow these steps:
- Stop.
- Give it some time.
- Think.
- Write.
- Don't post what you wrote.
- Consider the Greatest Commandment (Love God with all your being and love your neighbor as yourself).
- If the Greatest Commandment is not your cup of tea, ask, "Does this make me seem like a terrible person?"
- Remember the other person likely has legitimate reasons for what they believe and are not just doing it to personally tick you off.
- Consider "Would you say this to the person's face?"
- Delete or make adjustments as necessary.
- Make a sandwich. I really wanted this list to get to 12 steps. Making a sandwich is great; you could use an excuse to make a good sandwich.
- Post.
I need this list too. Let's try to be good to one another online and in real life.